Introduction
1400 words 7 minutes
Shave your balls, safely

Shaved balls. Some guys love it, some would never dream of it. Some ladies love it, some don't. There are a lot of compelling reasons to manscape your junk. We'll help you get the look and feel you're after and try to keep you from lopping off your babymaker in the process.

Overview

Why?

There are many reasons to trim the hedges.

Firstly, there’s hygiene. Less hair means your junk won’t smell like … um, junk. This is especially true for the athletic guys who work up a good sweat and steam their dumplings a while before showering.

You’ve got an extra inch down there. Take away the ground cover and you’ll see the tree trunk is even taller than it looks.

A de-cluttered front porch is more inviting. You’ll probably get a little extra attention and it will feel more pleasurable without a buffer of fur dampening the sensations.

Your pubes won’t scritch and scratch your partner’s skin as much. Yes, shaving your balls can be a noble endeavor done to the benefit of others!

There’s nothing quite like a shorn scrotum. It’s breathtaking, really. I suggest you try it yourself.
Dr Evil
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Finally, it’s breathtaking. The shorn scrotum is breathtaking. Words can’t even come close to describing the magnificence.

Before you start

If you aren’t the only person beating around your bush, you may want to consult any other parties that venture into your dark forest. Talk to your significant other about your manscaping plans. Chances are they’re on board with it but it is a courtesy to let them know that things may be drastically changing in crotchville.

You don’t want to drop your pantaloons and freak your partner out. This kind of renovation is best performed with all parties consenting to the change. Of course, you ar the master of your domain and you can do what you like with your front porch, but be aware, all our decisions have consequences.

Before you start

Goals

You want to manscape your balls, get them really smooth, without castrating yourself or performing an amateur vasectomy. You may also be trimming back the hedges, or removing the foliage all together.

Planning

To make sure everything goes according to plan, we need, well, a plan. First, you need to figure out what your end game is. Just a smooth sac? A little off the top or completely clean up the front yard? How far back are you going to go? Do you want to go all the way back from sac to crack? Work it out before you start.

Make a mental map of your garden. Think of it as four areas:

  • The fringe – everything above the shaft
  • The balls – your glorious scrotum
  • The ‘taint – ‘taint sac, ‘taint crack … its that area in between (the Surgeon General calls it your perineum)
  • The bunghole – yes, if you have long flexible arms, you can deforest there too

Work out what you want to do for each area before you start.

Location

Bathrooms are good; easy to clean, most of your equipment is probably there already. You can also use a bed with a light-colored towel spread over it to catch the trimmings.

Wherever you do it, make sure you have enough room, light, and are safe and comfortable.

Equipment

This is dirty work. The devil’s work. Make sure you have a set of tools set aside specifically for this purpose. There are all sorts of bacteria and fungi that inhabit your nether regions and you don’t want to be spreading that around the place. For the love of all that is holy, don’t use the kitchen scissors.

Clippers warning!

Don't use the clippers without a comb guard. The soft, wrinkly skin around your junk can get caught in the shears and cause a premature vasectomy. You have been warned.

You need something to trim long hairs. A small pair of sharp scissors can be used to do the heavy lifting.

You may also use electric clippers to do a few high-level sweeps but make sure the shears never touch your skin (or you will be sore and sorry!)

Whichever cutting device you use, make sure it is sanitary by wiping it over with rubbing alcohol before use.

Shaving cream. is needed to lubricate and cushion the razor blade.

You’ll also need a sharp razor. Don’t skimp on this, break out a new blade each time. Not only is the sharpness beneficial, you don’t want to accidentally nick yourself with a dirty blade and lose your manhood to infection. It’s probably a good idea to dab this equipment with alcohol too.

Aftershave. An aftershave balm is probably better than a splash lotion. The splash will dry your skin out and could sting or burn like the clap. A lotion will help soothe the skin and provide some moisture.

Method

Cleaning

Take a shower. Get your junk clean and dry. It’s always better to shave when everything is sparkling. The warm water will also soften the hairs making the easier to slice.

Not only that, a warm shower will help the plums dangle; plucking low-lying fruit is always easier. If your nutsack is all taut it makes it more difficult to shave.

Trim

Use some rubbing alcohol to sterilize your scissors/trimmer.

With your scissors or clippers, trim the hair back to a fraction of an inch, just long enough that a razor can finish the job without getting clogged up.

Slow and steady wins the race. Trimming the fringe is the easiest part. You may have some trouble once you get to the 'taint and beyond. Tweet this!

Take your time, be careful. Slow and steady wins the race. Trimming the fringe is the easiest part. You may have some trouble once you get to the ‘taint and beyond. If you are having troubles with reach or angles, don’t be afraid to tap out at any stage and try again another day.

If you are leaving some length to the fringe, consider blending the hair lengths. Progressively have the hair go from shorter to longer rather than having a puffy bunny tail suddenly appear below your naval.

Shave

Apply your shaving cream and massage it over your manhood. You’ve had a lot of practice, now use those skills! Try to get the cream to cover all the hairs as well as reaching deep down to the skin. Some guys find it easier to shave while the little general stands at attention, so this is a good opportunity to make him salute. Make sure you don’t get any shaving cream in the tip, that could sting a bit.

Don't shave against the grain

Shaving against the grain can result in the closest shave but it also results in nicks, rashes, razor burn and in-grown hairs..

Take your new, clean, sterile razor and start removing the hairs you identified in your plan. Here are some tips:

Shave with or across the grain

Don’t shave against the direction of hair growth or you can acquire some bad nicks and irritation. Shaving with and across the grain will yield very good results and fewer problems.

Pull the skin

Razors work best when the surface is flat. It doesn’t have to be taut, just flat. Taut skin raises the hair unnaturally high and can result in in-grown hairs.

Clean the blades regularly

Clogged blades don’t slice very well. You’re going to get cloggage, especially if this is your first time or you haven’t done this for a while.

Hold your nerve

A steady hand is less likely to cause nicks and cuts. Relax, What’s the worst that could happen> (don’t answer that)

Use a mirror

If you can’t see what you’re doing, try using a portable mirror. Some parts are tricky. You may think you are getting everything but you’ll never know until you actually see it or someone points it out to you.

Get help

Perhaps there’s someone who can help you reach those areas you can’t quite get to? It could be a lot of fun for you both. Just make sure you trust them implicitly.

Finishing up

Rinse everything off and check your work. See if you need to go over any bits you missed. Maybe have a quick shower to wash any debris away.

Breathe.

If you have any nicks or cuts, apply some antiseptic to the wounds.

Now get your aftershave lotion and soothe your balls. Shaving can be traumatic on the skin, especially considering what the hot water, alkaline shaving cream, and the abrasion of running a sharp piece of metal over yourself can do.

Give yourself a high-five. Job well done. Stand back and admire your work … after all, it’s breathtaking!